Waiting again...

Well, I was thinking tonight, as I laid in bed, that it might be a good idea to do some writing.
Just got home from a week and a half vacation at Houghton Lake. Coming home after vacation has that refreshing, glad-to-be-home feel to it. But today that feeling, that deep breath was filled with the realities of life.
*all the housework that I need to do, should do. The places that have seemed to collect more dust than ever as I haven't been home.
*all the unpacking I need to do, should do. The things I've had with me on vacation that nearly had a new home because we were gone so long. Things that fall right back into place when we come home.
*the extra worries I have day to day when I'm home. Is Leala happy? Am I providing her with enough learning opportunities? What will we have for dinner tonight? I need to lose weight. I need to have a better schedule. How can I get into a better schedule. Preschool. Super stressed about preschool. And affording preschool. And what about that laundry? And groceries. How are we going to eat healthy if we don't have any healthy food? Can we afford groceries right now? Tomorrow is payday. Payday. Extra money this payday should go to... extra money? Right.
*and then I go into my downstairs bathroom. Normal thing. Just gotta go. And then the recent realities come crashing down.

I had an early miscarriage a few weeks ago. Paid for a whole round of IVF. Egg retrieval, meds, more meds, hormones, embryo transfer, the two week wait, pokes and more pokes, emotions, waiting, the home test, the blood test, the positive.

The positive. Sometimes that positive doesn't mean shit. Sometimes that positive turns into more heartbreak than a negative would have been.

Went to my first ultrasound at 5 weeks 5 days. I knew it was very early, probably too early to find a heartbeat. Doc found the embryo implanted, but no heartbeat yet, no worries.
Went to lunch with my folks a few days later and had to leave to go to the ER abruptly after discovering lots of fresh blood when I went to the bathroom. Waited in the ER lobby forever, what seemed like forever, finally had an inconclusive ultrasound, blood work, and sent home not knowing anything.
Had my next ultrasound at 6 weeks 5 days and discovered a super low heartbeat in the 30s. Sadness. Very sure this was not a viable pregnancy. Tears, hugs, some talking with the nurse. Sent home with a "wait and see".
Next ultrasound, we went prepared to have to make a decision about how to handle a miscarriage. But the heartbeat was up. Only up to 67, but up. Doc was sure this wouldn't end well but sent us out with a glimmer of hope. Left with a small bit of optimism.
Next ultrasound, (these are happening weekly or more than weekly) nothing. No heartbeat. Doc was right. Sadness at this point is there, has been for a few weeks. We were given 3 options. First, I could go home and wait for the passing to happen. Second, I could have a D&C. Third, take cytotec (opens the cervix), and then it should pass. I opted for the third, because I could do it on my chosen time, babysitter arranged, not alone, at home, and not surgery.
Vaginally inserted 800mg of cytotec, took pain meds, ate dinner and watched movies with my wife. Passed several clots, quite a bit of blood, some tears, and after about 12 hours it was over. Not too bad in the big picture of things.
Follow up a week later. Ultrasound to be sure everything passed. The entire, I don't even know how to say it, "baby"? "Embryo"? "Mass of tissue"? Everything was still there. Dead. All I could imagine was dead. Death. Not living. I still had death inside of me.
Again, I had 3 options. First, go home and wait. Second, D&C. Third, try cytotec again, same mg vaginally, but then 200mg orally every 6 hours for 24 hours. I, again, opted for cytotec. I did some googling to see what others have been through and decided on cytotec because of the potential for scarring with a D&C. I don't want more scarring than I already have as it can cause problems with implantation. I, again, make arrangements for a sitter, for my wife to be with me, food, good tv. Do the inserts, take pain meds. After some time, maybe an hour, I go to the bathroom, pad is soaked. Sitting on the toilet, blood is coming out of me so fast, it sounds as if I'm peeing. I start to panic a little, calm myself down, change the pad, go back to the couch. About 10 or 15 minutes later, go to the bathroom, pad is soaked, underwear soaked. Start feeling woozy. I open the door, call for manda and tell her that I don't think I'm ok. She calls 911, paramedics arrive, we talk, they talk, I'm calm again, and decide to stay home.

I should have gone with the paramedics.

Change pad and undies, get up, (I don't remember if I went to the couch again or not) but I remember sitting on my stairs by the bathroom because I thought I was about to pass out. Decide to go to ER, manda drives me.
Wait in the ER for 3 hours. Not even lying. 3 fucking hours. Bleeding. Cramping. Bleeding. Cramping. Finally go back, get into a room. Doc does a pelvic exam, removes a lot of tissue, and tells me that removing the tissue helped and the blood has slowed to a trickle. She leaves to contact my OB, and before she comes back, I have bled through the pads and bedding I was laying on. Nurse helps manda get things to clean me up, change the bedding. I am nearly passing out again, hearing is funny, lots of black spots and tunnel vision, and I look on the bed at what looks like a pile of red jello. Ew. My wife is a fucking trooper for living and standing through all of this. OB doc on call comes, happens to be the same doc that delivered Leala (when I tried to bleed to death the first time), and I have an emergency D&C and 2am.

I, or my body, managed to take a traumatizing thing, and make it even more traumatizing. So now, when i came home from vacation, felt that deep breath feeling, it was also filled with blood.
Blood and waiting and the ER and blood, and that awful almost passing out feeling and pelvic exams and pain and blood and the hospital and blood and pain.

And, believe it or not, that isn't the end of it. Next is recovery. Physically, I had to regain my blood supply, was sore for several days, had lost a lot of the physical abilities I was used to doing. Carrying loads of laundry, several times a day, up 2 flights of stairs, carrying Leala and rough housing with her, walking for long stretches was even a challenge. Emotionally, working on healing from this trauma, in my heart and mind. Allowing myself to grieve for what we have lost and the trauma we've been through. And, mentally, suffering from all of the hormone drops, depression, anxiety, trying to re-normalize my hormone levels as they send me from high to low, tired to insomniac, trying to decide if we want to do this again, knowing the risk, wanting another child, desperately wanting to give Leala a sibling.

Vacation was good for me. Had some downs, 3 headache days, 1 really low day, lots of sleeping. But it helped take me out of the reality. Helped me cut some of the tighter ties between home and what we suffered. Showed me a lot of love that family holds for me, for us, and how deeply sad they feel for us.
I'm really hoping to try to start new tomorrow. Try to think more positively, try to do more of the things I want to do. Try to not beat myself up every day for thinking or feeling a certain way. And I'm hoping my physical, emotional, and mental self will tag along.

I do believe we will be trying again within the next few months. Not sure when exactly. We have 4 frozen embryos yet, and they look like good ones according to the embryo "grading system".

And, after all of this nightmare is said and done, I think what hurt the most, the part that still makes me cry, is when I had to tell Leala that we weren't getting a baby yet. That there isn't a baby in mommy's tummy anymore. That the baby had to go to Heaven with papa Marty and Cookie Jo. Broke my heart. Broke her heart. And she's the baby we are so damn lucky to have.

Aaaannnddd...Bed Rest...

Well, almost bed rest.

At my appointments this week, I was told to monitor my blood pressure at home. If it went above 140/90, I needed to call and tell them.

Today I saw 144/102. Yikes. I decided to take a nap and check it afterwards to see if it would change drastically. 140/101 after my nap. Ugh. Time to call the doctor.

They told me to go to the OB triage at the hospital. Yikes. "Triage" makes this suddenly more serious, suddenly more scary.

They were quick to see me. Put me in a hospital gown and strapped the baby heart rate monitor to me. Baby sounded so good! Her heart rate was strong and at a good rate the entire time. My blood pressure was 140/89 once I was there. Better than it was at home!

After being there for about 4.5 hours or so, this is what I know:

-I didn't have my baby tonight.
-I likely have gestational hypertension not preeclampsia, which is a good thing.
-I have to check my BP every day and if it goes to 160 and/or 110, I must call the doctor and go back to triage.
-I can no longer do much. The doctor said, "Just chill. Watch all the movies you want, read all the books you want. Don't go to Meijers." She literally said Meijers. Kind of funny, that's the place I'm most likely to go.
-I have tons of baby laundry to do, and am not allowed to go up and down the stairs to do it.
-I can no longer travel very far. No more going to Flint. I won't be able to go to my family's Thanksgiving. Pretty much Lansing-stuck from here on out.
-The goal is to do little activity to keep my BP from going to high.
-I'm likely to have a new baby in two or three weeks. Not for sure, but likely.
-My next appointment is Wednesday, the 19th, and I'll be monitored and we'll discuss next steps.

So, yikes. But my doctor says to me, "healthy baby, healthy mom". Sounds like a good motto to me :) And, I'm gonna be a new momma very soon. Yikes :) I can't wait :)

35 Weeks Down, 35 Days to Go...

Yes, that's right. 35 weeks down and 35 days until my due date...! Holy crap.

Technically, it's 33 days to go today, but the 35/35 thing was cool and happened on Tuesday.

This past weekend we went to Flint, as we often do. I woke up Sunday morning and complained to Manda about pain around my belly. I swear it was just major gas, trapped in my belly because baby was in the way of letting it out. We had a busy Sunday, brunch with my grandma, mom and aunt, a craft bazaar, and decorating the Christmas tree at the Durand Depot in memory of my grandpa and the Ben Franklin Store. It was a great day! Amanda went home after all of this, while I stayed with my mom for the night. The gas pains only got worse. I tried walking. I tried yoga poses. I tried laying on the floor. I tried twisting and turning in bed. Nothing. We went to bed really late on Sunday night, watching episodes of Grey's Anatomy until 3am. I hardly slept all night because I hurt. At 11 the next morning, my OB called to remind me of my Tuesday appointment. While on the phone, I left a message for the nurses to call me back about this pain. They called back soon after. The nurse ok'ed taking Gas Ex, and said if it doesn't help they will want to see me. I decided that I should probably head towards home in case I have to go in, then I'd be close to my doctor. We met with Manda half way, had lunch and went home. By the time we were in Lansing, it had been nearly 2 hours since I took the Gas Ex. We decided to go into the doctor. They got me in very quickly. After discussing all my pains and symptoms (or lack of) with the nurse and doctor, she determined this wasn't gastrointestinal, but musculoskeletal. So, more tugging and pulling on muscles and ligaments from my heavy baby. Take Tylenol for pain if needed. Baby's heart rate was 140. One thing they were concerned about was my blood pressure. 122/90. That 90 was concerning to them. They are watching closely for preeclampsia. We decided I'd come in for my scheduled appointment the next day and see where my blood pressure was then. Go home and rest.

Tuesday appointment comes the next day. Blood pressure is high again, 124/90. They aren't too concerned yet, they didn't put me on meds but they want me to check it every day to make sure it doesn't go much higher.

I did learn that my doctor(s) have information about an IVF pregnancy that I don't think I knew. I know I have a higher risk for pre-term labor. That isn't much of a concern at 35 weeks. But they basically want to watch me and baby closer than a "normal" pregnancy. So I ended up with a very long appointment so that they could do a non-stress test, an ultrasound and measure my fluid. It was very worry some for us to begin with. Thinking they were doing this because something could be wrong. But, when the doctor discussed the results, she explained, again, that it was just a precaution. She said everything looked great and baby scored an A+. Much relief!!

Our ultrasound revealed a baby measuring slightly bigger than 35 weeks. They guess about 5.5 to 6 pounds. And we could see all of her hair!

We also learned from that doctor that with an IVF pregnancy, studies show that the optimal time to deliver is at 39 weeks. So I'll likely be induced in week 39 if she doesn't come on her own by then. We will be getting a second opinion next week at our next appointment from a different doctor.

From now on, our weekly appointment will consist of a non-stress test, an ultrasound, and measurement of my fluids. Not that there are many more to go!

Whew! Long one this time. Overall, things are very well :)

While we were waiting for baby girl we packed our hospital bag, we finished the nursery, and we prepared for Christmas...none of these things are done yet though 8-)

The Expected One...

Today begins week 33. 7 weeks until my due date! 49 days. Wow! I can't believe how close we're getting.

We've been working on packing a hospital bag. It's extra hard not knowing what I'll want, what I'll need. It's not like I've done this before! ;)

On October 18th we had our "expected" baby shower. Only "expected" because the first one was a surprise. This one I knew about ahead of time and was involved in the guest list.

We arrived to aunt Deb's house to lots of fun decorations. Pink balloons, "baby shower" written on bags (that we later played a game with and received gifts from), a clothes line across the living room holding baby socks, a bib, blanket and several other baby goodies, mini herSHEy bars with the SHE colored in pink, and several other things that made me excited just going into her house.

Her house quickly filled up with family members. Everyone arrived with such excitement for us! A couple of cousins, one from each side, surprising us by coming.

We ate salads, veggies, homemade Linda rolls, crackers and cheese, and apples with carmel. Very yummy! And since the carmel apples, me, my mom and my grandma have all bought apples with a side of carmel because it hit the spot at the party :)

After eating we opened gifts. Lots and lots of gifts! It was so much fun!! I think everyone had fun picking out baby stuff and seeing all of the baby stuff. The itty bitty clothes, cute blankets, the "they didn't have that when I had kids", and all of the "awws" and "that's so cutes". We received many things that we needed for our baby and are so grateful for everyone's support!

One of the games we played was to guess what was in each of the "baby shower" bags. In the B bag was a baby item starting with the letter B. The A bag, starting with the letter A, etc. It was fun seeing everyone get so excited when they had guessed right. We had a repeat of the "loud table" from our wedding reception...you know who you are!! ;-)

We had a really great time!! It was so nice to see everyone! We want to send a huge thank you to aunt Deb for hosting the shower. And also to Nana, aunt Karen, Trisha, Erynn, Traci and Erica for all the decorations, food and games. It's my understanding that cousins don't always pitch in to help but you guys saw a need and wanted to help make our party fun and exciting. Manda has talked many times during this roller coaster year of how amazing her cousins have been. For something as simple as a phone call. She put it this way when we were talking about you cousins and the shower. "You are my pedestal. You are always there to hold me up. To keep me strong. But my cousins have been my rocks. To hold up my pedestal. To stop me from knocking down my pedestal. To lean on, to cry on. They helped keep me strong so I could stay strong and not knock down my pedestal."

And for that, I thank you.

Turkey Basters, Pacifiers, or Sperm?...

That is the question :)

Sunday I was surprised with an early baby shower. Apparently it had been in the works for many weeks now.

I've known about a shower at Aunt Deb's house, that is next weekend, since summer ish. I made a big list of invites, gave them to Deb, discussed some things about it, and knew when it was. Sunday I found out that Manda went right behind me with a different list, different plan, and worked out a secret shower. And she wasn't alone!

We were supposed to go to Joe's Crab Shack for her birthday dinner, with Ilona. We drive up to Ilona's house and there were a bunch of cars in the road. I asked her if she had something to tell me...she played dumb and asked me the exact same question! We go into her house, were greeted by Ilona, then I see Lisa, and Jacque, and Almida, and...a whole bunch of my favorite people! I was very surprised!!

Hugs all around, baby decorations everywhere, and Ilona asks if I want to eat or play games. I'll play games.

Do you want turkey basters, pacifiers or sperm? We played with turkey basters, filling glasses of water using only the turkey baster. We played with pacifiers, spitting them as far as we could across the room. And we played pin the sperm on the egg. All great fun and lots of laughs!

We ate great food too! Earlier that day I had seen on Facebook that Robert was making his famous pulled pork. I whined to Manda that I (and baby!) wanted some of his pork. Turns out, he was making it for our party! So I got to eat Robert's famous meat that day ;) We also had baby potatoes, lots of veggies, a spinach salad and banana and red velvet cupcakes. All the food was very much yum!

We got to open gifts from everyone too. Always kind of an anxiety filled thing for me to sit in front of everyone and open presents but it was so much fun! All of the "awes" and "ooohs" and "it's so cutes" were great. We got many things that we needed, and lots of things that were simply a must. I can't wait to play dress up with my baby girl and take pictures of her in all of the adorable new clothes she got. She's going to be one styling baby! :)

It was a great surprise! Thank you to all my friends who played along. Thank you to all my friends who love me, Manda, and baby girl so much. And an extra special thank you to Ilona and Almida for throwing the party, and just simply being YOU.

MY. FRIENDS. ARE. AMAZING.

Third Trimester...

Well, we've made it to the third trimester! Very exciting that we continue to get closer and closer to a new baby :) Some really cool things...
-Me, AND Manda feel lots of baby kicks every day. It is one of the coolest, most unusual feelings ever. Sometimes it's hard enough to take me by surprise, sometimes I can even see my belly jump from it! Proof that she keeps getting bigger and stronger :)
-The nursery is well on its way, my mom has painted all the walls with more than one coat of paint. Still need touch ups but it's looking great!
-I haven't had any really bizarre experiences with strangers and touching my belly and imposing advice and such. I'm not that worried about it, but a day without crazy strangers is a good day :)
-Manda stressed for a couple weeks as she prepared for her Servsafe test at work. She continued to be unsure of herself until she found out her score: 91%!! So good! Now she is approved for some major caterings at work :)
-Both grandmas have now felt the baby kick :)
-One of my kitties has fallen madly in love with me. I suspect she knows I'm pregnant somehow. But she sits on me, naps with me, follows me around, she just loves me more than ever! It's really sweet :)
-I love wearing maternity clothes. They are very comfortable! And for the first time in my life, as I've always been overweight, I can flaunt being fat! It would be worth being pregnant all the time if I could always flaunt being fat.
-We spent a couple of days with my mom right around her birthday. We had dinner, did some shopping, went to the farmers market at the Capitol building, and just talked a lot. It was good :)
-Yesterday we went to see Gone With the Wind on the big screen! I'll admit, I had never seen it before. But it was really cool! A lot of people were there, I had an aisle seat so I could go to the bathroom as many times as I needed to, and it was an enjoyable movie. I'm glad I decided to go :)

All of those things really help keep me going every day. I know there are more, but these are the things that stand out the most, right now. Most days are good days. I'm lucky for all I have, lucky I'm feeling as good as I'm feeling, lucky I have a huge support system. I say weekly that I'm so glad I'm going through this pregnancy with a woman and not a man. :-P  Manda is simply amazing and helps to keep me sane on THOSE kind of days. She just "gets" it. Don't get me wrong, I know there are amazing men and fathers out there, I know a few of them, but I'm really lucky to have my Manda.

Today is one of THOSE days. A day where nothing seems to be right, a day that you need all the money and have none of it, a day that you wish you had those people you love so much close by, a day that you question every personal relationship you have even the relationships with family members, a day that you feel disconnected from everything, a day that you feel like everyone else is moving on without you, doing things without you, because you're pregnant and they don't have time for you anymore, a day where the grass is greener on the other side, a day where you don't have any bread and all you want is a peanut butter sandwich. THOSE days.

So sometimes I have to write it down. Write down all the great things so I can re-remember them all. Write down the bad things to get them out of my head and off my chest. I know some of you can relate!

As far as doctor stuff goes, things are going mostly as they should. My 28 week appointment last week showed a 144 beats per minute baby heart rate. I like my doctors, which is reassuring for delivery. I had to do a glucose screening test which came back slightly elevated so now I have to do a glucose tolerance test, a longer version of the screening, to determine if I have gestational diabetes. I'm bummed about it, mainly because I feel like I've done really good with eating and not gaining tons of weight. But the doctor told me it had to do with the placenta, not really how I'm eating. So we'll see how that goes. My next appt is on October 13th.

78 days until my due date!!

I've Been Pregnant For Half of a Year!...

Six months pregnant, that's half of a year! It's just crazy to think that six months has gone by.

I went to the high risk OB for an ultrasound to determine if Hershey had two kidneys or only one. The tech did a thorough look, took lots of pictures and then the doctor came in. He did another thorough look, explaining all of the babies parts, organs, even all the heart chambers and valves. He also found two kidneys! I wasn't terribly worried, but I'm very happy that she looks so healthy. The doctor even said that I had one of those, "boring healthy babies". Too funny :)

He did talk to me about some of the extra risk factors that sometimes come with an IVF pregnancy. I sort of felt like why hasn't anyone talked about these before?! But one thing that I have a higher risk of is a shortening of my cervix, which can cause preterm labor. So he asked that I come back in a couple weeks to be sure my cervix isn't shortening. So I went back and everything looked good!

Day to day, things are pretty much the same. Around week 21, I felt the baby move for the first time! So cool. I feel her every day now, especially after I eat. Manda is so excited and can't wait until she can feel her move. She wants me to tell her every time I feel her so she can put her hand on my belly in hopes of feeling her too. But nothing from the outside yet.

We are slowly working on preparing the house, the nursery, having a baby shower. The nursery has 3 walls painted so far, thanks to my mom for painting!

Tomorrow marks 24 weeks, or 6 months exactly. My next OB appointment is this Thursday, the 28th. I can't believe it's almost September!