A Break...

Wow! It's been over a month since I've written here... Is that a good sign or bad sign?? Well, I've been busy. We've been busy.

After my last post I had an appointment with my fertility doctor to discuss our next steps. Amanda was unable to go, so my mom came along with me. There is something about going to these appointments alone. I think it would be really hard to go alone. It's like, if I don't have enough support for the doctor appointment, then how the hell will I have enough support when I have a kid?! It may sound irrational, but that's how it feels. Anyway, I went to my appointment and was given disappointing information. My doctor told me that after three times of trying the IUI, my chances are drastically diminished. Basically, if it hasn't happened yet, it's not going to. Now, I've had a statistics course, and got a 4.0 in the class, and don't completely agree with this statement. EACH time I try an IUI, the chances are equal to the last time, or the next time, I try. It's like flipping a penny. Every time you flip a penny, the chances of getting heads or tails is the same. The outcome is not affected by the last flip. I think RESEARCH has suggested that if it hasn't happened yet, it's likely not going to, but it doesn't have to do with chance. So, what do I say to this?? I know what's next. IVF is next.

IVF, a procedure costing somewhere in the neighborhood of $13,000. $13,000! Thirteen thousand dollars. My car was only 6. Rent for a whole year is like 8. I can hardly comprehend this number. The chances (or more accurately, research shows) are much better with IVF, but still only 70%. I can't comprehend spending $13,000 (!) And then it NOT working. Not only would I be devastated for not getting pregnant but I'd be out $13,000. Holy shit.

So, my next question was something like, "can I try it again anyway?" He said he would do anything I wanted. So I proceeded to get my prescriptions, info, etc., for doing the same process a fourth time.

In the meantime, we talked about our options a little bit. We took this whole moving to Lansing thing seriously and have been packing and moving. The process of the IUI begins when my period starts. On my first day I am to call and schedule my midcycle ultrasound and order my sperm. My first day came and went. So did my second, third, etc. We just decided to not do the stress of getting pregnant and the stress of moving all at the same time.

It's interesting how clear-headed I have felt this last month. With the exception of the 2 "stoned" days during my period, I have felt good. I have been aware of my body and what it's telling me. I have been able to stay strong and organized through the moving. I didn't realize how much the hormones affected me until I wasn't on them.

So, moving is going well. Baby making is on hold, but only for a short time. And if we try again with no luck, I'm not sure what we can do, or when we can do it. This is when I wish I had rich grandparents I could borrow money from. Or that it was morally ok to start my own fundraiser for baby money. Or that it was just easy to stumble across thousands of dollars. Or, that health insurance would just cover the costs of fertility doctors! I could go on a rant here, but I won't. I'm just going to say that it makes me so mad, so sad, and feel so stuck, that I can't just have health insurance to help. Instead, I have to be a middle class lesbian not willing to jeopardize her marriage for a bit of sperm the old fashioned way. And I have to pay $13,000 for a 70% chance at getting pregnant. Hmph.

While we were waiting we moved into a super cute house in Lansing, felt what it was like to be clear-headed again, and attempted to evaluate our finances in relation to $13,000 (!).