And So It Begins...

Again. And so it begins again. On November 17th, ironically my one year anniversary of marrying my amazing wife, I took my first birth control pill. I know this seems counter-productive to what we are trying to accomplish, but its part of the process. They put me on birth control pills to make me regular and so they can have full control over my uterus and eggs and such.

Tonight I'm feeling like a crazy person. This is often normal, as I state in my info at the top of my blog, I'm an "obsessive" person. One of those days that I think too much about what's going on. I tried unloading on my calendar, I tried making lists, I even tried talking to my mom via text. Nothing worked! I hate laying in bed, wide awake, with my brain just churning away.

So, here I am. Ultimately, I am so excited and so scared and so impatient for IVF. I wish it was January now. I wish I was past the uncomfortable procedure. I wish I was past the dreaded two week wait. I wish I just knew that it would happen and we'd have a healthy baby. With all this wishing for time to pass, I'm feeling mad at the holidays. They are just an annoyance I have to get through to get to January. To get to that one appointment. To get through the dreaded two week wait. I'm finding myself thinking about all the obligations and expectations I have in the next thirty days or so. Yes, obligations and expectations. I have to shop. I have to shop some more. I have to grocery shop. I have to plan food. I have to cook. I have to bake. I have to drive. I have to spend all this money. And more money. And some more money. Just to get to January. I hate feeling like this! I really don't like putting it on "paper" and making myself sound like a prude or a Grinch or just a cold person.

Because I'm not those things. I know, deep in my heart, that I love the holidays. I LOVE them! But this year is hard. I had a much needed conversation with my immediate family, including my wife and my brothers long-term girlfriend, about Christmas. I had to say it as plainly as I could- I love you guys so much, I love giving gifts, but this year we need to make Christmas about family and food and being together because I need to buy a baby. And they were cool. They totally get it. They are on board. Of course they are, why wouldn't they be? But I needed to have that conversation so they knew where I was. So they knew that it was important to me to spend time with them during the holidays. So they know that I love them even though I can't spend hundreds on them this year.

Whew. I felt so much better after this conversation. It's not like they didn't know that I was doing this IVF thing. It's more like I had to admit that I am not super woman. I had to admit that I didn't have an endless bank account. It's like I had to admit a weakness. And I have a really hard time admitting my weaknesses.

So, on my way home, after seeing them all, I talked to Amanda on the phone almost the whole way. She was in the car right behind me the whole way. We talked about when we were going to whos houses for which holidays. We talked about what dinner dishes we were making for Thanksgiving. We talked about what desserts we were making for Christmas. We talked about what crafts we are bringing to a Christmas party. And we talked about what few gifts we are going to buy. And it all sounds do-able. In fact, it sounds like a good time. I'm actually looking forward to these times, instead of just waiting for them to pass.

I know that some of this sounds awful, the holiday time is supposed to be the best time of the year. And it is. It still is. It's just a little bit different this year. It's more focused on family. It's more focused on what really matters.  Besides, how can I start a family of my own if I don't realize the importance of the one I've already got?

While we were waiting we pushed past the negativity felt by the holidays, we realized the importance of the presence rather than the presents, and we made a valuable point that the title "while we were waiting..." really means we must focus on and enjoy events in life. All of the events.