I said I'd write again before my April 8th pregnancy test. I knew I'd have to write before then. I knew I'd have to just scream my heart out on paper...well, it's basically paper.
This last week, my transfer was a week ago today, was as "normal" as it could be. Progesterone shot in the butt every morning, a lot of TV, a lot of phone, Facebook, candy crush, trying to be more careful with what I'm eating, going to mom's this weekend...I'm supposed to be taking it easy right now. I'm not supposed to lift over 10 pounds, not a lot of bending, twisting, no hard work, etc. Usually we hear that, go with it for awhile, and move how we want when we feel like we can.
Not this time. Every time I move I think about a possible baby in my belly. Every time I pick up my...anything. Every time I bend over to...anything. Every time I, well, do anything.
I've done pretty good up until today. I would say up until yesterday but yesterday I was at a Tigers game and that kept me distracted for awhile. Today, I feel crazy. I feel like an insane woman. I am constantly consumed with excitement. Constantly consumed with doubt. Constantly thinking this must be my time. Constantly thinking, hoping, dreaming, praying...silently screaming please please please oh please!
I'm at tears at the snap of, could be anything. I know the hormones have a lot to do with this, but if I were solid while on hormones, it wouldn't be so much like a thin piece of glass breaking.
I've read a lot about the beginning of pregnancy. Since my first IUI I've had several books. While waiting for results of my IUIs, I read obsessively. Every day re-reading pages about the earliest signs of pregnancy, considering how many of those signs and symptoms I have. This time, I've looked at the books only a few times. I think that has helped me keep my mind off of baby stuff for a few minutes each day. My doctor also gave me a sheet about what I may or may not experience if I am or am not pregnant.
Things I know for sure: I had a lot of cramping for several days after my transfer and continue to have cramping but more mild than last week. I am very emotional; happy, sad, mad, every other minute. My boobs hurt.
Things I think are happening, but may be in my head: I think my nose is working overtime, detecting every stinky thing and hating that it stinks. Having slight nausea over weird things that don't usually bother me; dog smell, thinking about eating too much of anything, or a lot of meats. Sleeping a lot. Peeing a lot.
Things I know are not happening: No sign of implantation spotting (many women don't have this), I'm not feeling bloated.
Every doctor will say it's too early to know. Every doctor will say every pregnancy is different. So even with these symptoms or lack of, nobody knows. NOBODY KNOWS. UGH.
I'm on a roller coaster, changing direction every second. Up, down, positive, negative, yes, no. It's midnight now, I can officially check off another day of waiting. Two more to go.
I did find out that after observation, we have 4 embryos left. They are frozen for a later decision. It's good to know they are there for backup...and I really really hope we won't need them for backup.
One part of all of this, to protect myself, is to decide a few things before I know.
-Amanda will be with me when I find out.
-No matter the result, our moms will know first.
-I'm allowed to have time to "digest" things before announcing anything.
This is an unusual circumstance in that most people get pregnant and wait to tell family and friends until it's a viable pregnancy. But because we've chosen to be very open about our journey, it means everyone knows exactly where we stand and knows we have news coming soon. So I ask that you please be patient with us. If it's good news, trust us, you'll hear about it. I'm sure I'll blog about it, send some text messages, make some phone calls, and perhaps put something on Facebook. If it's good news, we must all remember to be cautious, and remember it's very early and a lot can happen in twelve weeks. Most importantly, for now, I'm going with, "no news is bad news." If it's bad news, I may still want to write, text, call, etc. but I can't know for sure. So please, be patient with us. We love you all and thank you for all of the support, wonderful words, and always needed hugs.
While we were waiting we had dinner with my grandma and aunt, we went to an awesome, memorable Tigers game, and we just plain waited. While we were waiting...we waited.
No comments:
Post a Comment