Aaaannnddd...Bed Rest...

Well, almost bed rest.

At my appointments this week, I was told to monitor my blood pressure at home. If it went above 140/90, I needed to call and tell them.

Today I saw 144/102. Yikes. I decided to take a nap and check it afterwards to see if it would change drastically. 140/101 after my nap. Ugh. Time to call the doctor.

They told me to go to the OB triage at the hospital. Yikes. "Triage" makes this suddenly more serious, suddenly more scary.

They were quick to see me. Put me in a hospital gown and strapped the baby heart rate monitor to me. Baby sounded so good! Her heart rate was strong and at a good rate the entire time. My blood pressure was 140/89 once I was there. Better than it was at home!

After being there for about 4.5 hours or so, this is what I know:

-I didn't have my baby tonight.
-I likely have gestational hypertension not preeclampsia, which is a good thing.
-I have to check my BP every day and if it goes to 160 and/or 110, I must call the doctor and go back to triage.
-I can no longer do much. The doctor said, "Just chill. Watch all the movies you want, read all the books you want. Don't go to Meijers." She literally said Meijers. Kind of funny, that's the place I'm most likely to go.
-I have tons of baby laundry to do, and am not allowed to go up and down the stairs to do it.
-I can no longer travel very far. No more going to Flint. I won't be able to go to my family's Thanksgiving. Pretty much Lansing-stuck from here on out.
-The goal is to do little activity to keep my BP from going to high.
-I'm likely to have a new baby in two or three weeks. Not for sure, but likely.
-My next appointment is Wednesday, the 19th, and I'll be monitored and we'll discuss next steps.

So, yikes. But my doctor says to me, "healthy baby, healthy mom". Sounds like a good motto to me :) And, I'm gonna be a new momma very soon. Yikes :) I can't wait :)

35 Weeks Down, 35 Days to Go...

Yes, that's right. 35 weeks down and 35 days until my due date...! Holy crap.

Technically, it's 33 days to go today, but the 35/35 thing was cool and happened on Tuesday.

This past weekend we went to Flint, as we often do. I woke up Sunday morning and complained to Manda about pain around my belly. I swear it was just major gas, trapped in my belly because baby was in the way of letting it out. We had a busy Sunday, brunch with my grandma, mom and aunt, a craft bazaar, and decorating the Christmas tree at the Durand Depot in memory of my grandpa and the Ben Franklin Store. It was a great day! Amanda went home after all of this, while I stayed with my mom for the night. The gas pains only got worse. I tried walking. I tried yoga poses. I tried laying on the floor. I tried twisting and turning in bed. Nothing. We went to bed really late on Sunday night, watching episodes of Grey's Anatomy until 3am. I hardly slept all night because I hurt. At 11 the next morning, my OB called to remind me of my Tuesday appointment. While on the phone, I left a message for the nurses to call me back about this pain. They called back soon after. The nurse ok'ed taking Gas Ex, and said if it doesn't help they will want to see me. I decided that I should probably head towards home in case I have to go in, then I'd be close to my doctor. We met with Manda half way, had lunch and went home. By the time we were in Lansing, it had been nearly 2 hours since I took the Gas Ex. We decided to go into the doctor. They got me in very quickly. After discussing all my pains and symptoms (or lack of) with the nurse and doctor, she determined this wasn't gastrointestinal, but musculoskeletal. So, more tugging and pulling on muscles and ligaments from my heavy baby. Take Tylenol for pain if needed. Baby's heart rate was 140. One thing they were concerned about was my blood pressure. 122/90. That 90 was concerning to them. They are watching closely for preeclampsia. We decided I'd come in for my scheduled appointment the next day and see where my blood pressure was then. Go home and rest.

Tuesday appointment comes the next day. Blood pressure is high again, 124/90. They aren't too concerned yet, they didn't put me on meds but they want me to check it every day to make sure it doesn't go much higher.

I did learn that my doctor(s) have information about an IVF pregnancy that I don't think I knew. I know I have a higher risk for pre-term labor. That isn't much of a concern at 35 weeks. But they basically want to watch me and baby closer than a "normal" pregnancy. So I ended up with a very long appointment so that they could do a non-stress test, an ultrasound and measure my fluid. It was very worry some for us to begin with. Thinking they were doing this because something could be wrong. But, when the doctor discussed the results, she explained, again, that it was just a precaution. She said everything looked great and baby scored an A+. Much relief!!

Our ultrasound revealed a baby measuring slightly bigger than 35 weeks. They guess about 5.5 to 6 pounds. And we could see all of her hair!

We also learned from that doctor that with an IVF pregnancy, studies show that the optimal time to deliver is at 39 weeks. So I'll likely be induced in week 39 if she doesn't come on her own by then. We will be getting a second opinion next week at our next appointment from a different doctor.

From now on, our weekly appointment will consist of a non-stress test, an ultrasound, and measurement of my fluids. Not that there are many more to go!

Whew! Long one this time. Overall, things are very well :)

While we were waiting for baby girl we packed our hospital bag, we finished the nursery, and we prepared for Christmas...none of these things are done yet though 8-)

The Expected One...

Today begins week 33. 7 weeks until my due date! 49 days. Wow! I can't believe how close we're getting.

We've been working on packing a hospital bag. It's extra hard not knowing what I'll want, what I'll need. It's not like I've done this before! ;)

On October 18th we had our "expected" baby shower. Only "expected" because the first one was a surprise. This one I knew about ahead of time and was involved in the guest list.

We arrived to aunt Deb's house to lots of fun decorations. Pink balloons, "baby shower" written on bags (that we later played a game with and received gifts from), a clothes line across the living room holding baby socks, a bib, blanket and several other baby goodies, mini herSHEy bars with the SHE colored in pink, and several other things that made me excited just going into her house.

Her house quickly filled up with family members. Everyone arrived with such excitement for us! A couple of cousins, one from each side, surprising us by coming.

We ate salads, veggies, homemade Linda rolls, crackers and cheese, and apples with carmel. Very yummy! And since the carmel apples, me, my mom and my grandma have all bought apples with a side of carmel because it hit the spot at the party :)

After eating we opened gifts. Lots and lots of gifts! It was so much fun!! I think everyone had fun picking out baby stuff and seeing all of the baby stuff. The itty bitty clothes, cute blankets, the "they didn't have that when I had kids", and all of the "awws" and "that's so cutes". We received many things that we needed for our baby and are so grateful for everyone's support!

One of the games we played was to guess what was in each of the "baby shower" bags. In the B bag was a baby item starting with the letter B. The A bag, starting with the letter A, etc. It was fun seeing everyone get so excited when they had guessed right. We had a repeat of the "loud table" from our wedding reception...you know who you are!! ;-)

We had a really great time!! It was so nice to see everyone! We want to send a huge thank you to aunt Deb for hosting the shower. And also to Nana, aunt Karen, Trisha, Erynn, Traci and Erica for all the decorations, food and games. It's my understanding that cousins don't always pitch in to help but you guys saw a need and wanted to help make our party fun and exciting. Manda has talked many times during this roller coaster year of how amazing her cousins have been. For something as simple as a phone call. She put it this way when we were talking about you cousins and the shower. "You are my pedestal. You are always there to hold me up. To keep me strong. But my cousins have been my rocks. To hold up my pedestal. To stop me from knocking down my pedestal. To lean on, to cry on. They helped keep me strong so I could stay strong and not knock down my pedestal."

And for that, I thank you.

Turkey Basters, Pacifiers, or Sperm?...

That is the question :)

Sunday I was surprised with an early baby shower. Apparently it had been in the works for many weeks now.

I've known about a shower at Aunt Deb's house, that is next weekend, since summer ish. I made a big list of invites, gave them to Deb, discussed some things about it, and knew when it was. Sunday I found out that Manda went right behind me with a different list, different plan, and worked out a secret shower. And she wasn't alone!

We were supposed to go to Joe's Crab Shack for her birthday dinner, with Ilona. We drive up to Ilona's house and there were a bunch of cars in the road. I asked her if she had something to tell me...she played dumb and asked me the exact same question! We go into her house, were greeted by Ilona, then I see Lisa, and Jacque, and Almida, and...a whole bunch of my favorite people! I was very surprised!!

Hugs all around, baby decorations everywhere, and Ilona asks if I want to eat or play games. I'll play games.

Do you want turkey basters, pacifiers or sperm? We played with turkey basters, filling glasses of water using only the turkey baster. We played with pacifiers, spitting them as far as we could across the room. And we played pin the sperm on the egg. All great fun and lots of laughs!

We ate great food too! Earlier that day I had seen on Facebook that Robert was making his famous pulled pork. I whined to Manda that I (and baby!) wanted some of his pork. Turns out, he was making it for our party! So I got to eat Robert's famous meat that day ;) We also had baby potatoes, lots of veggies, a spinach salad and banana and red velvet cupcakes. All the food was very much yum!

We got to open gifts from everyone too. Always kind of an anxiety filled thing for me to sit in front of everyone and open presents but it was so much fun! All of the "awes" and "ooohs" and "it's so cutes" were great. We got many things that we needed, and lots of things that were simply a must. I can't wait to play dress up with my baby girl and take pictures of her in all of the adorable new clothes she got. She's going to be one styling baby! :)

It was a great surprise! Thank you to all my friends who played along. Thank you to all my friends who love me, Manda, and baby girl so much. And an extra special thank you to Ilona and Almida for throwing the party, and just simply being YOU.

MY. FRIENDS. ARE. AMAZING.

Third Trimester...

Well, we've made it to the third trimester! Very exciting that we continue to get closer and closer to a new baby :) Some really cool things...
-Me, AND Manda feel lots of baby kicks every day. It is one of the coolest, most unusual feelings ever. Sometimes it's hard enough to take me by surprise, sometimes I can even see my belly jump from it! Proof that she keeps getting bigger and stronger :)
-The nursery is well on its way, my mom has painted all the walls with more than one coat of paint. Still need touch ups but it's looking great!
-I haven't had any really bizarre experiences with strangers and touching my belly and imposing advice and such. I'm not that worried about it, but a day without crazy strangers is a good day :)
-Manda stressed for a couple weeks as she prepared for her Servsafe test at work. She continued to be unsure of herself until she found out her score: 91%!! So good! Now she is approved for some major caterings at work :)
-Both grandmas have now felt the baby kick :)
-One of my kitties has fallen madly in love with me. I suspect she knows I'm pregnant somehow. But she sits on me, naps with me, follows me around, she just loves me more than ever! It's really sweet :)
-I love wearing maternity clothes. They are very comfortable! And for the first time in my life, as I've always been overweight, I can flaunt being fat! It would be worth being pregnant all the time if I could always flaunt being fat.
-We spent a couple of days with my mom right around her birthday. We had dinner, did some shopping, went to the farmers market at the Capitol building, and just talked a lot. It was good :)
-Yesterday we went to see Gone With the Wind on the big screen! I'll admit, I had never seen it before. But it was really cool! A lot of people were there, I had an aisle seat so I could go to the bathroom as many times as I needed to, and it was an enjoyable movie. I'm glad I decided to go :)

All of those things really help keep me going every day. I know there are more, but these are the things that stand out the most, right now. Most days are good days. I'm lucky for all I have, lucky I'm feeling as good as I'm feeling, lucky I have a huge support system. I say weekly that I'm so glad I'm going through this pregnancy with a woman and not a man. :-P  Manda is simply amazing and helps to keep me sane on THOSE kind of days. She just "gets" it. Don't get me wrong, I know there are amazing men and fathers out there, I know a few of them, but I'm really lucky to have my Manda.

Today is one of THOSE days. A day where nothing seems to be right, a day that you need all the money and have none of it, a day that you wish you had those people you love so much close by, a day that you question every personal relationship you have even the relationships with family members, a day that you feel disconnected from everything, a day that you feel like everyone else is moving on without you, doing things without you, because you're pregnant and they don't have time for you anymore, a day where the grass is greener on the other side, a day where you don't have any bread and all you want is a peanut butter sandwich. THOSE days.

So sometimes I have to write it down. Write down all the great things so I can re-remember them all. Write down the bad things to get them out of my head and off my chest. I know some of you can relate!

As far as doctor stuff goes, things are going mostly as they should. My 28 week appointment last week showed a 144 beats per minute baby heart rate. I like my doctors, which is reassuring for delivery. I had to do a glucose screening test which came back slightly elevated so now I have to do a glucose tolerance test, a longer version of the screening, to determine if I have gestational diabetes. I'm bummed about it, mainly because I feel like I've done really good with eating and not gaining tons of weight. But the doctor told me it had to do with the placenta, not really how I'm eating. So we'll see how that goes. My next appt is on October 13th.

78 days until my due date!!

I've Been Pregnant For Half of a Year!...

Six months pregnant, that's half of a year! It's just crazy to think that six months has gone by.

I went to the high risk OB for an ultrasound to determine if Hershey had two kidneys or only one. The tech did a thorough look, took lots of pictures and then the doctor came in. He did another thorough look, explaining all of the babies parts, organs, even all the heart chambers and valves. He also found two kidneys! I wasn't terribly worried, but I'm very happy that she looks so healthy. The doctor even said that I had one of those, "boring healthy babies". Too funny :)

He did talk to me about some of the extra risk factors that sometimes come with an IVF pregnancy. I sort of felt like why hasn't anyone talked about these before?! But one thing that I have a higher risk of is a shortening of my cervix, which can cause preterm labor. So he asked that I come back in a couple weeks to be sure my cervix isn't shortening. So I went back and everything looked good!

Day to day, things are pretty much the same. Around week 21, I felt the baby move for the first time! So cool. I feel her every day now, especially after I eat. Manda is so excited and can't wait until she can feel her move. She wants me to tell her every time I feel her so she can put her hand on my belly in hopes of feeling her too. But nothing from the outside yet.

We are slowly working on preparing the house, the nursery, having a baby shower. The nursery has 3 walls painted so far, thanks to my mom for painting!

Tomorrow marks 24 weeks, or 6 months exactly. My next OB appointment is this Thursday, the 28th. I can't believe it's almost September!

We're Having a Baby Girl!!...

It's been almost exactly 2 months since I've written. In some ways, things have slowed down.
-The doctor appointments I was going to all the time has slowed to only once a month for now.
-The feeling terrible has lightened up almost entirely...for now.
-The going to Flint many times a week has turned into only weekends.
-It seems that we actually have time to just sit and watch TV once in awhile, cook dinner at home sometimes, and think about preparing for a new baby.

My 16 week appt was on July 1st and went just fine. The doctor wasn't concerned with anything, my few minor questions were answered, the baby's heartbeat was at 145, everything was good.

I started to lose my mind after awhile. At the beginning of my pregnancy I had an ultrasound every week or every two weeks. This time I had to wait 8 weeks...two whole months before I could see her and know things were ok. I started to worry about her health, about my health, just generally if she was ok.

Finally, on July 30th, I had my 20 week ultrasound. We had both been so excited for this appointment. We wanted to hear that heartbeat again, we wanted to see our baby again, and we were really hoping to find out the sex of our baby. The ultrasound tech was very nice and helpful pointing out all the parts of my baby. Hershey was not very cooperative when we were looking to see if she was a girl or boy. The tech had to try several times before revealing that Hershey is in fact a GIRL! I cried when she announced we were having a girl :) Her heartbeat was at 143. She measured right where she should be at 20 weeks. I'm not sure how this works but she said Hershey weighed about 11 ounces. The tech took lots of pictures. She checked my cervix to be sure it looked how it was supposed to. The doctor came in and reviewed everything and watched as we did the ultrasound again. When everything was completed, she told us about one minor concern she had. Because Hershey was laying on her back, her left side was closer to my back, therefore harder to see in an ultrasound. She was unable to see her left kidney. She said it could be there, she just might not be able to see it. She wasn't very concerned, said things could be much worse, and that many people live with only one kidney. She did suggest that I go to a high risk OB to have another ultrasound to check things out. So that appointment is tomorrow.

As I said, things in life calmed down. Unfortunately, one thing that happened is that Marty passed on June 21st. He fought a good fight and held onto his faith the entire time. We will miss him, oh so much, but we know he's no longer struggling, no longer in pain, and watching over us and Hershey every day. He didn't get to live to see Hershey in December, but we will always remember that he was a grandpa for a short time, and so excited to be a grandpa. We love you Marty.

End of First Trimester...

I haven't been writing as often as I was before. In fact, I'm not doing much writing at all. I'm not sure why but I'm behind in my pregnancy journal, and I haven't written about my last 3 ultrasounds. I guess I assume you don't need to hear over and over again how excited I am, how much I feel like crap, and how excited I am. ;-) 

But, this is my blog, and I'll tell you, I'm crazy excited...and terrified. I'm always in my head about how few babies I've been around. How few newborn babies I've ever seen. How uncomfortable I've been when holding babies. But everyone assures me that when it's my own "it will be different". I hope so. I'm just scared.

There is an episode of Friends when Rachel is about to have her baby when she realizes that she's been reading so much about being pregnant and about giving birth that she forgets to read about what to do when the baby gets here...that's how I feel.

On a less scary note, I'm feeling much better since my last post. I haven't thrown up in several weeks, my dizziness is slowly (very slowly) going away, and I'm pretty much sleeping at least 12 hours per day. It could be so much worse.

At my 9 week appointment, things were mostly fine except I had a tiny bit of spotting from a...I don't know what it was called. On the ultrasound it was a small blackened area that the doctor wanted to watch closely and told me to take it easy. He wanted me back in a week.

At my 10 week appointment, everything was better. The spot he saw a week before was almost entirely gone. No longer a worry. He said things looked great and wanted me back 2 weeks later.

At 12 weeks, I had two appointments in one day. My first OB appt. and my last IVF Michigan Fertility appt. My OB will change each time I go. It's an office with several doctors who rotate so they want you to see as many as possible because they won't know who's on call when you go into labor. I think there is good and bad to the system, but I'm ok with it thus far. My OB did a routine female exam, answered lots of questions, and we heard the heartbeat for the first time! So cool! Hershey's heartbeat was a strong 158!! I was happy with the doctor, happy with the health of my baby, happy with the overall appointment. My next one is for 16 weeks, on July 1st.

My last IVF appt was really good.  He is such a fantastic doctor. He immediately, without blinking, answered my question about when I could come back. I expected a, "you're only 12 weeks pregnant and you're ready to come back?!" But instead, I got a simple, clean answer. He did the ultrasound and when he first started, the baby was moving. I saw the baby move! Hershey is getting big. About the size of a lime now. He let us hear the heartbeat and this time was a fast 169! I think it was so fast because Hershey was moving just before. It was great. Both Amanda and my mom got to hear the heartbeat, one at each appointment. The doctor congratulated me, hugged me, and made sure that I'd come back to visit with Hershey. Such a great day. On my way out I was congratulated by more people and hugged by one of the nurses. They are genuinely happy for me. So cool :)

So things are good with baby. No more pokes in the butt every morning. No more vomiting. Dizziness almost gone. And almost 1/3 of the way there.

Still on quite the roller coaster as we don't think Marty has many more days with us. He's home now, hospice is in place, so I trust he's comfortable too. We gave him an early Father's day gift. A photo frame that says, "I Love Grandpa", with the latest photo of Hershey in it. Very sad for all of us. Amanda's mom was also sick in the hospital for a short time, but we are happy to say that things are looking up some for her as she is slowly healing and can now be with her husband.

Amanda has been truly amazing through all of this. She's never been on such a roller coaster in her life. She lives and works 70 miles from her mom and Marty and yet is able to see them several times a week. She spends every weekend in the Flint area so she can spend time with her family. She has a brand new job overseeing a brand new business that doesn't allow her just any days off. She keeps up the house, the lawn, as I've been mostly bed ridden for the last five weeks or so. All while trying to prepare to be a mom in December. She's certainly being tested, and doing an amazing job. I couldn't do all of this without her support (and my mom!!). And she says Hershey is her saving grace through this tough time. She's simply amazing.

Everyone else who has shown us support have been amazing too. Thank you for all the words, thoughts, prayers, time, energy, and love. Thank you.

Hyperemesis Gravidarum...

Yes, I know, it sounds like a Harry Potter spell.

It translates, in medical terminology, to something like, excessive vomiting in pregnancy.

Yay! -_-

I woke up in the middle of the night, April 29th, seriously feeling a combination of falling off the bed, spinning on a tilt-a-whirl for entirely too long, and the need to throw up. I laid there as still as I could for a little while trying to decide what to do and trying not to panic. I finally decided to wake Manda up, as calmly as I could and ask her for help.

She took my blood pressure, it was a little low, but not too low. It's been running low since I've been pregnant. Not so low that it's a concern.

Immediately after I sat up in bed, I was sick. I knew it was "morning" sickness. The dizziness slowed a little bit, but I was glad my brother had already offered to be there the next day so I had a ride to my next ultrasound.

My ultrasound went great! Baby is growing. Heartbeat looked good. The doctor was once again pleased with our progress. And, Manda's mom got to go so she could see the heartbeat and she loved it. I talked a little with my fertility doctor and then the nurse about my nausea and dizziness. They were not concerned with either, and gave me a script for Zofran, to help with nausea.

The next morning was my first OB appointment, an intake and medical history with a nurse. I was so lucky Logan was still there because I was still very dizzy and nauseous. It was a long appointment but they covered all the bases. I told them I felt awful so they got me ice chips, mints, gum, offered a trash can, they were very nice. They ordered labs to check on everything, making sure I wasn't hypoglycemic, etc.

I then only got sicker. I spent all day, every day in bed or in the bathroom. Zofran didn't do a thing for me. Then one day after Manda got home from work we found ourselves in the ER for fluids and hopefully for some advice on the dizziness. We were there about 5 hours. They gave me Reglan, a different drug for nausea. The doctor eventually said that the dizziness was a nutrition issue and that I needed to eat.

Wait a minute! The dizziness showed up out of the blue, in the middle of the night, after I've been eating more healthy than ever before. I didn't buy it. But we went on our way, hoping the Reglan would at least allow me to eat something.

The next several days were up and down. A couple of very bad days, a couple days where I could eat a little bit, but continuous dizziness.

This past week, my mom has spent every day with me while Amanda was at work. I've been pretty much on bed rest except to go to the bathroom and the few occasional assisted showers. It's terrible! I don't feel safe walking around the house because my dizziness may make me fall. My nausea has been much better though.

Yesterday I finally got fed up, and Amanda was worried about me. My being sick was calmed by the new medication but the dizzy remained. So I called my OB and got in at 4 yesterday. They asked tons of questions, listened to all of my complaints and symptoms, checked several things, said all of my labs came back normal and decided...
I have benign vertigo. Caused from pregnancy. He literally said that this isn't unheard of, not really common, I'm just unlucky enough to have it. He said it will go away as my pregnancy progresses. He also said that taking Benadryl with my Reglan every six hours might help with the dizziness or at least make me more comfortable.

So, here we are, the Saturday before my very first Mother's day. Still in bed, still dizzy (although I've been feeling a little better today), and patiently waiting. This time, we're waiting for the dizziness to subside so I can at least live a little bit normal while I grow a baby :-)

Next ultrasound is Tuesday, May 13th. I'll be 9 weeks along. That's more than 20% ;-P

First Ultrasound...

My last post said my HCG was at 962 on Wednesday. I went back Friday for a blood draw. I had to wait until Saturday afternoon for the results this time. That's just mean!!

Saturday after 4 I got a call. The number was 1603. That's ok, but not double my last number. The nurse that called me didn't have my chart, doesn't know me, and wasn't good at giving me any information. I got very upset, scared, worried that things weren't going well. I was with family so after I cried, I pulled myself back together to help the little ones find Easter eggs. I talked to several cousins and a couple aunts who were so nice, so comforting, so helpful with words of encouragement, words of their own stories that turned out right, and, it just helped make me feel better.

Sunday, several of the people from my moms side of the family got together at PF Changs for Easter dinner. I continued to worry but I did enjoy myself with my family. We talked a little bit about me and my great news but I didn't tell anyone about my concern and our semi low numbers.

Monday finally showed up and I couldn't wait to call and talk to the nurse about what they wanted me to do. I made it to 8:30am, a half hour after they open. I called, told the nurse about my Saturday phone call and she said she'd talk to the doctor and call me back. At about 10 she called back and said the doctor didn't need to do another HCG test because we made it over 1500 but he did want to move my ultrasound up a week, to today (Tuesday). The nurse explained to me that because of the couple of low numbers, the doctor wanted to be sure that the baby wasn't growing somewhere it shouldn't be. He wanted to be sure it was in my uterus, right where it should be.

So today was a long day, waiting for time to pass so I could pick Manda up and head down to Ypsilanti for my ultrasound. We were both very scared, afraid that something was wrong. We have worked so hard to get this far. We want this more than anything.

When the doctor finally came in he was just as hopeful as we were. He wanted good news too! Very shortly after starting the ultrasound (this early on it had to be a vaginal ultrasound), he said, "there it is" and after only about 5 seconds he said, "and there's a heartbeat!" He looked at me and said, "you did it!"

So amazing! This itty bitty tiny thing inside of me, about the size of a pea, actually has enough of a heartbeat to put out a little blip on the ultrasound screen. So freaking amazing!!

So we are ecstatic. So excited. And in disbelief...it's just not quite real yet!

Our doctor proceeded to congratulate us, hug us, and said he'd see me next Tuesday for my next ultrasound...there could still be a second one... :)

The baby is 2.6mm, it measures one day late at 5 weeks 6 days (so I'm 6 weeks tomorrow, not today, like we originally thought), and my estimated due date is December 17th (Manda's mom's birthday!)

Just to Keep Updating...

Things are continuing to look up!

On Monday I had to go back to be sure my numbers continued to increase after my 87.9 last Thursday.

Monday I was at a 468...

Today I'm at 962!

I go back on Friday, for probably my last every-other-day HCG check. My doctor likes to continue to recheck until I'm at about 1500. Also, my first ultrasound is scheduled for April 29th. That is 13 days away. I'm very excited to actually SEE something on the ultrasound. I know it won't be much, but it will be a lot! And, I made my first appointment with my new obstetrician. That will be the day after my ultrasound, April 30th, for an intake and health history. It seems that everything is falling into place :)

Today, I'm 5 weeks and 1 day along.

A REAL Positive!!...

Yes, it's real. It's real!!!

Holy shit.

I went back to the doctor today to do another blood test. The nurse said that they want to see HCG numbers double every two to three days.

I had a guarded positive, at 30.6.

Two days ago.

Today, I had an 87.9!!!!

It damn near tripled!

Holy shit.

We are sooo happy, sooo excited.

Another appointment on Monday to make sure my numbers continue to go up.

While we were waiting, we got what we've been waiting for :)

A Guarded Positive!!!...

We've waited and waited and waited...the day finally came!

This morning after dropping Amanda off at work, I headed straight down to Ypsilanti for my pregnancy test. They drew my blood, answered a few questions and sent me home. I told them I'd intentionally not answer the phone when they called so that Amanda and I could listen to the news on voicemail together.

At 3:33 this afternoon my phone rang. I looked at it, turned away and prayed. At 4:15 I picked Amanda up at work, we went home, sat on the bed and listened to the Voicemail.

The nurse explained that it was a positive pregnancy test. She said my HCG (pregnancy hormone) was at 30.6. They want it to be 50. So she used the term, "guarded". She said it's a guarded positive :) I have to go back on Thursday to test it again, in hopes that the number continues to go up.

I was totally expecting a drastic yes or a drastic no. I was thinking it was one or the other. I didn't consider something on a "spectrum". So, we're very excited. Very guardedly excited. We don't want to be too happy...yet. But I told you all I'd update :)

Thanks again for all of your support. Please continue positive thoughts and prayers and make these HCG numbers go up!!

No News Yet...

I said I'd write again before my April 8th pregnancy test. I knew I'd have to write before then. I knew I'd have to just scream my heart out on paper...well, it's basically paper.

This last week, my transfer was a week ago today, was as "normal" as it could be. Progesterone shot in the butt every morning, a lot of TV, a lot of phone, Facebook, candy crush, trying to be more careful with what I'm eating, going to mom's this weekend...I'm supposed to be taking it easy right now. I'm not supposed to lift over 10 pounds, not a lot of bending, twisting, no hard work, etc. Usually we hear that, go with it for awhile, and move how we want when we feel like we can.

Not this time. Every time I move I think about a possible baby in my belly. Every time I pick up my...anything. Every time I bend over to...anything. Every time I, well, do anything.

I've done pretty good up until today. I would say up until yesterday but yesterday I was at a Tigers game and that kept me distracted for awhile. Today, I feel crazy. I feel like an insane woman. I am constantly consumed with excitement. Constantly consumed with doubt. Constantly thinking this must be my time. Constantly thinking, hoping, dreaming, praying...silently screaming please please please oh please!

I'm at tears at the snap of, could be anything. I know the hormones have a lot to do with this, but if I were solid while on hormones, it wouldn't be so much like a thin piece of glass breaking.

I've read a lot about the beginning of pregnancy. Since my first IUI I've had several books. While waiting for results of my IUIs, I read obsessively. Every day re-reading pages about the earliest signs of pregnancy, considering how many of those signs and symptoms I have. This time, I've looked at the books only a few times. I think that has helped me keep my mind off of baby stuff for a few minutes each day. My doctor also gave me a sheet about what I may or may not experience if I am or am not pregnant.

Things I know for sure: I had a lot of cramping for several days after my transfer and continue to have cramping but more mild than last week. I am very emotional; happy, sad, mad, every other minute. My boobs hurt.

Things I think are happening, but may be in my head: I think my nose is working overtime, detecting every stinky thing and hating that it stinks. Having slight nausea over weird things that don't usually bother me; dog smell, thinking about eating too much of anything, or a lot of meats. Sleeping a lot. Peeing a lot.

Things I know are not happening: No sign of implantation spotting (many women don't have this), I'm not feeling bloated.

Every doctor will say it's too early to know. Every doctor will say every pregnancy is different. So even with these symptoms or lack of, nobody knows. NOBODY KNOWS. UGH.

I'm on a roller coaster, changing direction every second. Up, down, positive, negative, yes, no. It's midnight now, I can officially check off another day of waiting. Two more to go.

I did find out that after observation, we have 4 embryos left. They are frozen for a later decision. It's good to know they are there for backup...and I really really hope we won't need them for backup.

One part of all of this, to protect myself, is to decide a few things before I know.
-Amanda will be with me when I find out.
-No matter the result, our moms will know first.
-I'm allowed to have time to "digest" things before announcing anything.

This is an unusual circumstance in that most people get pregnant and wait to tell family and friends until it's a viable pregnancy. But because we've chosen to be very open about our journey, it means everyone knows exactly where we stand and knows we have news coming soon. So I ask that you please be patient with us. If it's good news, trust us, you'll hear about it. I'm sure I'll blog about it, send some text messages, make some phone calls, and perhaps put something on Facebook. If it's good news, we must all remember to be cautious, and remember it's very early and a lot can happen in twelve weeks. Most importantly, for now, I'm going with, "no news is bad news." If it's bad news, I may still want to write, text, call, etc. but I can't know for sure. So please, be patient with us. We love you all and thank you for all of the support, wonderful words, and always needed hugs.

While we were waiting we had dinner with my grandma and aunt, we went to an awesome, memorable Tigers game, and we just plain waited. While we were waiting...we waited.

My Transfer Day!...

Haven't we been waiting for this day for over a year?! Yes, I think so. Hence the blog title ;-)

Today Amanda and I arrived in Rochester Hills at 9:30am. I immediately had to take a valium to help me relax during and after the procedure. They require a full bladder for the transfer because they use an ultrasound machine to help them see where they put the embryos. On the way down I drank about 30 ounces of water. As soon as I got out of the car I said, "Yup, I gotta pee!"

Different than my other ultrasound appointments, I had to completely undress and wear a hospital gown, complete with a hat and booties. Manda had to wear a gown over her clothes, a hat and booties too. They aren't messing around with this transfer!

We went into a sterile room, got all situated on that fabulously uncomfortable table with stirrups, and the doctor came in. He gave us a picture of our two embryos! He told us it was baby's first picture. They proceeded to pick and poke, press on my full bladder, and boom-they were done. They also gave me a picture showing where the embryos were placed in my uterus. So cool!!

They let me pee, then I had to lay flat for a half hour. Then I got dressed and we went home.

As of today, of the 12 fertilized eggs, we still have 9 good ones. 2 are inside me and the other 7 will be observed for two days. If they still look good in two days, they will be frozen for later possible babies.

I am to continue the medications I've been taking. I am required to be on bed rest for 48 hours. Tuesday morning I go in to have blood work done, just testing my hormone levels again.

Tuesday, April 8th is my pregnancy blood test. I'll write more before then.

While we were waiting we played with crafty stuff to help time pass, we spent the weekend with our moms, and we got all caught up and prepared for the final episode of How I Met Your Mother.

March 25th, The Retrieval...

Yesterday, Tuesday, was my retrieval. My doctors office actually paid to put me up in a hotel Monday night so I wouldn't have to drive all the way from home. So, my mom and I stayed in a hotel that was only about five minutes from the doctors office. It was in Rochester Hills, a different office than my usual one in Ann Arbor/Ypsilanti. Anyway, it was very cool that they did that for me.

The retrieval is actually a procedure that involves anesthesia. So I arrived there, changed into a gown, and they started with the questions and poking and testing. When they were ready, I actually walked to the operating room and got situated on the half bed thing with stirrups that go under my knees.

The anesthesiologist puts a mask on my face and tells me it's oxygen. That's the last I remembered.

When i woke up, I felt more groggy than I have in the past. My throat hurt and it was hard to breath in. The nurse said my oxygen numbers were low so she needed me to take deep breaths. I tried but I kept coughing. Apparently, during the procedure, the anesthesiologist had to intubate (I think that's right. Where they put a breathing tube down your throat) me. He said I was acting like I was going to throw up the whole time. Weird.

The doctor came in, he told me I did really good, and said they got 12 eggs! I was a little disappointed because I expected 20 but I get what I get.

My calendar now shows the drugs I am to take after the retrieval. They include:

-Amoxicillin for 5 days, which I've already started,
-Estrace, something to do with estrogen
-Vivelle Dot patches, also something to do with estrogen
-progesterone in oil injections every morning to keep my uterine lining thick. This will help to support a pregnancy.

My transfer will be 5 days later, on Sunday the 30th.

They called today with my fertilization results...
-13 eggs were retrieved yesterday,
-all 13 were mature,
-and 12 fertilized!!

So exciting!! 12 is such a great number. Now they grow for the next 4 days. Until Sunday when we decide which ones to put back in.

While we were waiting I had a fun night with my mom hanging out in a hotel room, we officially signed up for health insurance through Manda's new job, and I laid around for a couple lazy days to allow my body to heal.

March 22nd, The Last Follow Up...

Today's appointment was awesome!

We left Bay City, a scrapbooking event, at 5:30 this morning to make it to Ypsilanti by 8am. It was a fine drive, not a lot of people on the road that early on a Saturday. My doctor wasn't there today so I saw the other doctor in the clinic.

First was my ultrasound. We saw a lot of follicles. The doctor said it was somewhere between 20-25 follicles! Holy crap! They will not all mature completely but it's a good number to start with. He said, "it couldn't look any better". We we're so happy!

I then met with a nurse who drew blood to check hormones and went over my next steps.

Here goes:
-Tonight I am to do things as I've been. The Bravelle, Menopur, and Ganirelix injections.
-Sunday I do those injections for the last time. I then do one of my two trigger shots and start taking an antibiotic.
-Monday I have to go back for a blood test. I am to bring my second trigger shot and they will give it to me while I'm there.
-Tuesday is my retrieval day!! Amanda would say they are "harvesting" eggs that day :) I'm going to Rochester Hills for a minor surgical procedure where they will remove all of the eggs. It involves anesthesia, but still pretty minor.

There is more to this calendar, but I'll update again soon.

It has been a great day :)

While we were waiting we had a relaxing weekend in Bay City, we have been planning for our marriage license in Michigan, and we've been working on a couple really cool projects.

March 20th, Another Follow Up...

My appointment this morning went almost the same as it went on Tuesday. Except today I saw my doctor instead of only a nurse.

I now have at least nine follicles in my left ovary and several in my right ovary. My right ovary is harder to see on the ultrasound, so it's harder to see how many follicles are there. They measure anywhere between 12-17mm, with most of them being between 15mm and 17mm. They are looking for them to be about 20mm when they take them out. My uterine lining also looks good, they want it thick so it will support a pregnancy. My doctor estimated a retrieval date of Tuesday of next week, but I'll get a better date on Saturday when I'm there for my next appointment.

I have to get two more drugs. As if I'm not on a lot of stuff already! I'm getting a booster trigger shot that will be a booster for the trigger shot I already have and some estrogen patches that supplement the missing estrogen that isn't in this booster shot. I don't completely understand, but I do trust that I'm in good hands.

They drew blood again to check my hormone levels but they have been good so far.

Not much new, but a couple days closer to...well, let's hope, a baby.

While we were waiting I enjoyed lazy days with my mom, we figured out our new health care (!), and we continued to pray for comfort for a loved one.

March 18th, Follow Up...

Today was my first follow up appointment. It's been one week since my baseline ultrasound and five days since I've started my meds.

I have two more appointments this week, so I decided to stay with my mom for the middle of the week to save on some gas and drive time. So last night Manda drove me to Perry, where we met my mom for dinner, and did a "kid switch".

Side note: I had to pick a time of day to do my injection so that it will be the same time every day. I decided 7pm would be a good time and not likely to be interrupted with daily life activities. Well, there is nothing like riding in the car on I-69 while drawing up five vials of medications preparing for my 7 o'clock injection and then actually doing the injection in the parking lot of taco bell. Ha! Classy!

So my appointment was at 10 this morning. My mom drove me down as I'm getting rather uncomfortable. I was told I'd likely feel bloated and crampy because my ovaries have more eggs in them than normal. So, yes, they weren't lyin'.

I had an ultrasound that revealed I had "about 7 follicles on the left side" and "several on the right side". The nurse appeared pleased with what she saw, said things are looking good. The largest follicle was 15mm and they are looking for them to be 18-22mm when they take them out (retrieval). I also had my blood drawn again to check my hormone levels. The nurse discussed my hormone levels and my follicle information with my doctor and called me to instruct me with what to do next.

I have to increase my Menopur (FSH and LH to produce eggs and mature eggs) from 2 vials to 3 vials each day. And I am to begin the Ganirelix injection-to prevent premature ovulation. That raises my meds from one poke a day, to two pokes a day.

One day at a time, right?!

While we were waiting I spent a few days with my mom, we stayed strong for those who are very scared, and we saw puppies and ate soft pretzels at the mall.

March 13th, Start Medications...

In my last post I said that if the doctor didn't call me that I could start my medications. Well, they didn't call!! This means all of my blood work looked good to move onto the next step. Yay!!

To begin with, there are two medications that I have to take. They are called Bravelle and Menopur. They are injections not oral meds. They also don't come mixed. I have to take 3 vials of Bravelle and 2 vials of Menopur. So I am to draw up .5 mL of saline solution (I think that's what it is). Then I mix the saline into the first vial of meds. Then draw that liquid back up. Then I mix it with the next vial of meds and then draw that back up, etc. until all 5 vials of meds are mixed into the .5mL of saline. I understand that all doctors have a different protocol for these medications. I am lucky that my doctor allows all 5 to be mixed into one poke.

The poke really doesn't bother me. Needles and shots have never been a problem for me. It's easy. And this needle is tiny. It's only 3/8 of an inch, I think. Almost the whole time we've talked about injectable meds, manda was very thankful that the injection went into my belly because she didn't want to do it. Then last night came along and she asked when she was going to shoot me up. So she did it!

These medications will continue just like this until, at least, my appointment on Tuesday the 18th. Then things might be changed, added, etc.

Just in case anyone was wondering... The Bravelle contains FSH and the Menopur contains both FSH and LH.
FSH is to make me produce many eggs. Instead of just one (which happens in a normal cycle) the FSH will make me produce lots and lots. The more eggs, the better a chance of pregnancy. LH is used to mature the eggs. Again, in a natural cycle, we might produce a few eggs, but only one matures and is released into the fallopian tube. So using both medications together, we are hoping for a whole lot of mature healthy eggs.

While we were waiting we stayed in bed for a few days in hopes that this is my last period in a long time, we packed for Amanda to go on a quick get-away to Ohio, and we gave in to peer pressure and downloaded candy crush ;)

March 11th, Baseline Ultrasound...

Yesterday was my baseline ultrasound. I've been looking forward to that appointment for a long time now! It marked the official start of IVF for us. So exciting!!

My mom went to my appointment with me because Amanda's new job doesn't allow a bunch of days off right at the beginning. It was a beautiful, sun-shiny day. Perfect for a long drive. We even had the windows down part of the time :)

First was my ultrasound. They wanted to be sure my ovaries were "quiet" and that my uterine lining looked normal considering my period will start any minute. I had a couple little follicles in my ovaries already, but they were tiny and of no concern. She was pleased with the way everything looked.

Second was a blood test. They wanted to check all of the important hormones to be sure everything is at a normal level before we start injecting meds and forcing hormones to do things. She told me that she would get the results back yesterday afternoon and she would only call me if something was a problem. She would only call if I need to change something in my IVF protocol. As of 5:30am this morning, she hasn't called :) I guess there is a possibility of her calling today, but we'll cross our fingers that she won't need to.

Third, I was given a medication review. The nurse went over what meds exactly, need to be given when exactly, how exactly, and where exactly. She provided me with a few tools to make things easier. And if I didn't receive a phone call about my blood tests, I am to start my medications tomorrow, Thursday.

Fourth, I had to sign consent forms. You know this is serious stuff when consent forms are involved!  I had to sign forms giving my doctor permission to inject my eggs with sperm, to use donor sperm, to transfer 2 embryos, to freeze any remaining embryos, and anything else that was largely important to sign. A couple things had to be signed now, because once I'm drugged up, getting ready for my retrieval, I can no longer sign for things.

Lastly, I had to pay. I had a combination of a cashiers check and cash. When all was said and done, yesterday I paid:
$10,550 for the procedures
$1600 for all of my labs, ultrasounds and doctor visits
$500 for the first year of "rent" as we plan to freeze some embryos

$12,650. My biggest purchase ever. I still have a hard time with this number. Spending so much on something that isn't a guarantee. On something I desperately want, that isn't a guarantee. It's tough but let's pray it's worth it.

So the next big step is Thursday when I have to start my medications. More on that later!

While we were waiting we played baseball with the family, were entertained by a D and D game via Skype, and supported a family member in a major decision.

It's March!!...

It's March. It's FINALLY March! I feel like I've waited for this month for a really long time. But it's been even harder than I would have ever imagined. It's been one hell of a roller coaster ride.

My (our! including the entire Newman family and all of their family friends) roller coaster ride began at the very top of the hill and quickly came rushing down on February 20th as we learned that Marty, my father-in-law (step father-in-law but I know him as the one who was a real dad for my wife since about age 10), was taken to the emergency room in severe pain. Everyone expressed concern but nobody was prepared for what followed.

On the next day, the 21st, Manda got word that she only had one week left in her job. Our roller coaster flew back to the top of the hill as we learned that she was finally hired for the State job she applied for many months ago. We were so excited! This means a lot for us. It means a solid, steady job. It means a career in a State job. It means benefits. Benefits for Manda. Benefits for me. And even benefits for any children we have. It means a retirement fund. It means that I can stay home while pregnant and be a stay at home mom while our kids are young. (Some people seem to be judgmental about me not working while I'm pregnant. I know for some this is ridiculous, but when they decide to spend more than $13,000 to get pregnant, they will probably be afraid to move let alone be on their feet for 10 hours a day.)

Do you know how difficult it is to be really worried and scared for someone you love and really excited about a new job at the exact same time?! Not easy. It's enough to send your mind into a crazy, spiral, crying mess.

They said it might be cancer. They attempted an operation unsuccessfully. They moved him to Henry Ford in Detroit on the 24th. They performed an operation which after some long, hard days healing for Marty, really seemed to be helpful to him. They also did a biopsy on the masses and blockages on and around his pancreas.

February 28th was Manda's last day at her job. Hectic as she scrambled to finish up loose ends. Crazy as she tried to teach an employee everything she needed to know in only a week. Sad as she loved her customers and knew that she would miss them. Excited as she was about to begin a new leg in life.

Terrified of not knowing how her dad will handle the rest of his life. Marty was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer which has spread to his liver. Marty was diagnosed with cancer on his birthday. Marty (unaware) received a death sentence on his 62nd birthday. How awful. How unimaginably awful.

At 2 on Friday afternoon, a party was thrown for Amanda congratulating her on her new job. All day long she went up the roller coaster celebrating her good news, and down again as she thought about Marty.

Fortunately, Marty got to go home the next day, March 1st. His diagnosis remains. It always will. But he gets to be home now. He gets to be with his puppy. With his wife. With his own stuff. His own bed. His own pjs. This doesn't change the awfulness of what he's living through, but it brings a tiny silver lining. A tiny silver lining brought on by the first day of March.

March was originally bringing us much excitement, much anxiety, and a lot of impatience as we await our first appointment of our IVF cycle. We continue to have those feelings but they are coupled with sadness, exhaustion and a different kind of hope. I never thought I'd be praying for a longer, happy, painless life for one person at the same time I was praying for the start of a life for another.

As far as my IVF cycle goes (roller coaster back up the hill!) things are going great! My first appointment is on March 11th, next Tuesday. That's only 5 days away! I'm very excited. Very nervous. And terrified. I'm really looking forward to this next part of our journey. I'll be posting a lot as each appointment will be new information.

While we were waiting we spent a lot of time in the car and at the hospital with Marty, we prayed-a lot, and we experienced the biggest roller coaster ride we've ever had to do.

This might actually be happening...

Yes, really, this might actually be happening soon. It seems that the ducks or the stars or whatever it shall be, are lining up the way they should be. Finally!

Those very expensive medications I ordered from England are at my house. Literally, all of them are at my house, on my shelf in my bedroom, waiting for me to use them. I got them on February 6th. My request date, my "need by" date was January 1st. I'm very frustrated that it was over a month late but they're here. I hope I never have to call that guy again!

But, the "sign" I talked about in my last post might have been to protect me from the weather. I've decided that the stress I would have endured if I had to drive to Ypsilanti several times would have made me crazy and would not have been healthy for my body preparing for a baby. Everything happens for a reason, right? So, the drugs were late so I didn't have to drive an hour one way on slippery, snowy, awful roads. Which means by the middle of March we should have nice ish weather, right? Sounds good, we deserve some warmth and sunshine!

So then I received my personalized calendar from my doctor. I thought I got the meds early enough to start them right away so that i could do all of this in February. But after talking to the nurse, there were no available times for my procedure (the removal of eggs) during the week I would have to do the procedure. So I have to wait another month anyway! Ugh. So the calendar says I'll take birth control pills for the normal 3 weeks, then instead of going into sugar pills and having my period, I'll open a new pack of pills and take active pills for an additional week. Birth control pills for 4 weeks. Then I'll have a period. They are doing this to fit me into a procedure week. So, as far as we know, as far as we hope, my very last birth control pill will be taken on March 8th. My baseline ultrasound is scheduled for March 11th. And I will begin taking my medications (as well as my period will start) on March 13th.

It's less than a month away at this point. I'm getting more and more excited, more and more nervous, more and more scared.

While we were waiting I made some extra money working with Amanda, we spent a long weekend with family, and we got our taxes done.

I Hope This Isn't A Sign...

So, Christmas was a great time! I had my family at my house and I got to cook for them. I enjoy entertaining.

I'm officially unemployed now. The last few days at the store were a lot of work and quite sad but it's empty and that door is closed.

New years was pretty laid back spending it with my mom and Amanda at my moms house. We ate, drank, and watched "Dick Clark's New Years Rockin' Eve hosted by Ryan Seacrest" (does anyone else think this is weird?? At what point can they omit the Dick Clark part??).

January 2nd marked a year since we started down this road of trying to get pregnant. Our first appointment was awful! I'm so glad we found a different doctor.

The last year has been mostly good; a little bit of tears, a lot of anxiety, but mostly good.

As I said in my last post, I wired A LOT of money to England to get my fertility medications at a cheaper price than I could get them here in the states. I ordered them, I thought, with plenty of time to get them by January 9th. I've been in contact with them nearly everyday for several weeks. As I last heard from them, I "should" receive them by Friday or Saturday of this week. I need them by Thursday...hm. I will be calling them shortly for an update.

The guy I talk to is the same every time I call. He blames the holidays, he says they don't even have the medications yet. Amanda has called and yelled and cried. I've gotten a big attitude with him. Of course, this isn't going to make anything happen any faster. I should know better. I've been the clerk getting yelled at by a customer for something my warehouse did wrong. Out of my control. Hey, I'm still human.

So, I called my doctor and asked a nurse about this. They have 5 days worth of medications that I can borrow. When my medications come in, I give what I borrowed back. 5 days will bring me through Monday, the 13th. We also are holding onto some money in case we had problems with meds, and have money for 4 more days of meds. That would bring me through Friday the 17th. I'm only taking them through Tuesday the 21st! Is this a sign? Is this a sign that I'm not doing something right? That I'm making a bad decision??

Also, pardon my French, but what the fuck is up with this weather?? This is the worst winter I've ever seen. Conveniently, this is the winter right after I move to Lansing. So I spent the first part of winter driving 40 minutes to work in Durand everyday. For the worst winter ever. Now I have to drive to Ann Arbor about 7 times in 2 1/2 weeks. For the worst winter ever. Not to mention that I've moved into a house and am now responsible for all the ice and snow in my yard. For the worst winter ever. Is this a sign?

At this point, I'm not sure what to do. I've never wanted anything as much as I want this. I'd do a whole lot of stuff to be able to have a baby. But here I am in a couple of positions that I'd like to not be in. Am I supposed to wait another month? Wait through another excruciating period? Wait another month as if I haven't waited long enough??

I'm so upset, so frustrated, so mad at this situation. The truth is, I'd have to get another month of birth control, I'd have to go through another period (I can hardly control the pain anymore!), I hope I wouldn't have to have another $835 water sonogram, and I'd have to wait. Wait some more...

While we were waiting we closed the Ben Franklin door, we tried to get used to being unemployed for the first time since I was of age to be hired, and we enjoyed some home time together as this crazy weather took over Michigan.